Living with depression is a lifelong commitment of absolute compassion – to yourself. Living with depression could be your curse or your blessing – I choose the blessings. ( after i battle the demon out of my soul)
There are so many ways (so many stories) I could share my pain, my fears and my darkest days with you here, but that’s not what I’m here to do. I’m actually using my depression to grow, love and thrive in my gifted life. If you suffer from depression- my heart is with you. This note is not a remedy for your healing, this is not a treatment plan nor is this a letter that you’ll be all better after you read this. This is a story of my suffering – and my reason for loving my life.
If you’re even reading this, I know you share some of the experiences I go through – because you do to. I know you didn’t choose depression but rather it kind of choose you. I believe depression was inherited ( chemically) and I also believe I inherited it spiritually. I did say spiritually – Yes, God wanted me to suffer, he wants me to learn and then teach. What do you believe?
Depression comes to you often with little signals of “thoughts”. I call them doubt demon, frumpy fear and the loudest is a screaming “YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!!!” It’s a physical thing too. I will feel a backpain, like no other pain. It shows up first- then I wait for it. I know the onset is lurking- waiting for me. Then in full color – full on bullshit shows up the moment I open my eyes for the day. The cloud they often talk about – yup, it’s real. My cloud of depression is a certain gray, a certain feel and a definite chill to it.
I won’t go into that in any more detail – I could paint many pictures of the ways it tried to tear me up. I could almost feel it tap me on the shoulder as I’m writing this because it thinks I want to give it some “attention” and glorify it in some way. So – no, I’m not going to give you more than that. I’m going to share the last of the detail with this, It did try to kill me- twice. The first time I didn’t trust it, I didn’t let it all the way in- I just danced with it. The second time it really pissed me off. It was that second time I decided to take it on, I took it on – and for those of you that know me also know – I won. The interesting thing about it is that I have to keep winning, you don’t just collect the trophy and go home, you have to keep playing the game – It’s call life. I choose life and I’m going to get it right every time it shows up, I’ll win with love, I’ll win because I learned everything I know because of depression and for that I’m grateful to suffer.
The reason I’m a good target for depression is because I’m super sensitive, I’m compassionate to all life and it really pisses off depression, so he keeps coming back to win – but it won’t. I’ve learned to live with personal growth, I’ve learned to support the weaknesses and I’ve learned that I was given a gift. It’s a gift to learn how to see others pain, it’s a gift to be so sensitive that you can actually feel someone else’s pain from afar. I learned that without suffering from depression I wouldn’t have tuned into the amazing gifts that I was gifted. Tuning into your mental state and learning to pull the bully out is a gift. Paying deep attention to my body to notice it’s signs of needing to clear emotions is a gift. Finally, tapping into the spiritual world is the most gracious gift I’ve taught myself, to open up your third eye and be present is nothing short of a miracle.
To share this with you is a miracle.
Go share your story, go share your gift of LIFE. Go be brave and fight that inherited partner in your life, just don’t let him win. 